Dear Encourager,
I feel like a child again for the first time in six years. My heart is fresh, throbbing with excitement. The pores of my spirit have been flushed clean by the Living Waters of my Savior who never turned His back on me, even when I couldn’t even bare to look at myself. Being rescued through Jesus and those who chose to fight for me seems like a dream that I cannot fully comprehend. However, it is hard to remove the deep hesitation within. How am I supposed to trust anyone, including God, when I’ve been treated as a disposable object night after night by so many? Those who were supposed to care did not. They saw right through me. Others seemed like monsters, performing unfathomable acts at my expense.
Being a survivor of numerous accounts of sexual, verbal, emotional, physical and financial abuse by men, some as old as my grandfather, I couldn’t bare the thought of trusting a man with my soul—with my eternity. I thought God was a man, but now I realize He is so much more than a man. I couldn’t release that fear, hate or mistrust to God for a while. In fact, I had a lack of trust in God himself.
The nights of recovery have been the hardest. Trying to sleep, but seeing the faces of abusers in my dreams and feeling the remnant of memories I still hold in my sleep is so disheartening. During times of worship, I sit in the highest row in the stands and cry my way through praise and worship, prayer and Pastor’s sermon as memory after memory of instances of satan trying to take my life and God sparing me are revealed to me. Some experiences I’ve thought a lot about over the years and some brushes with death I never knew occurred until the Spirit revealed them.
Then I realized, quite vividly, that Jesus took those potential deaths that I deserved and died each one of them on the cross at Calvary. He felt the impact of the car accident, the stabbing of the knife, the accidental overdose, the suicide, the shooting, the deadly disease and the murder at the hands of an angry man. He died each death satan wanted me to die. He felt each last heartbeat.
After all these years, I finally understand I am a masterpiece preserved by my Creator because of the adoration He has for His work. The best part is, satan didn’t kill me when I was apart from salvation, and he’ll never have another opportunity to do so again. I’ve renewed my wedding vows as the Bride of Christ. Even as I released my will to the will of God, and surrendered to His mercy, He healed my heart. He is allowing me, through His Grace, to trust men again. Not all men, but the ones whom He sends into my life: men who fear God and men who understand the value of this preserved masterpiece. One day, if God chooses, I may marry. If I do, I will make a wonderful wife.
I am so thankful for the home that was provided for me to live in. Even more so, I am grateful for the women who prayed with me, held me as I cried and taught me about the redeeming love of Jesus. I don’t know where I’d be today if it weren’t for my safe home and my recovery family.
For the first time in six years, I feel like a child. I am a child of the Most High God and I am never walking away from Him. I will abide under the shadow of His muscular wing forevermore. Each day will be a refreshing surrender, a sincere submission. I am free.
Sincerely,
Healing